Instead, my focus was always on something else: the things I did with my brother when our days were done. We didn’t always have sex. Sometimes we went back to oral for the variety of things. We stroked each other off a few times. And once I put on a little show for my brother, strumming my clit and crying out his name. He spermed my face as I rubbed myself silly. That was a good one.
We tried different locations, too. We might choose my bedroom or Kevin’s. When our parents were out, we’d fool around in the shower. Then there was the time he took me driving.
Kevin had been working on his little GTI for what felt like forever, but one weekend he finally got it working and insisted we go for a drive to celebrate. So, I got in the passenger side and put on my seatbelt. The car felt oddly small around me. I noticed the differenced immediately — the lack of screens around us. The stereo had a tape deck in the center. It was like a strange, gas-powered museum. I reminded myself that I trusted my brother. Still, my heart pounded in my chest as he fired up the engine.
When Kevin peeled out of our neighborhood, I noticed the other difference about this car. It was fast. The GTI was small and light, so even going a normal speed felt strangely aggressive. Like spinning around the streets in a go-kart. And my brother didn’t spend a lot of time going normal speed.
It was thrilling, invigorating, terrifying. So of course, we ended up parked on some quiet street, pants around our ankles, in the back seat. It wasn’t comfortable or even really enjoyable. Squished and squashed while I slicked my brother’s cock. When he reached his end, I took him in my mouth so he wouldn’t stain the seats.
Then we got up, brushed ourselves off, and drove home.
So yeah, in some ways my life was pretty good. Almost kind of perfect. There was only one problem: I couldn’t stop hating the person I’d become.
*
We were going to come to an ending, I knew that. But I didn’t expect the way it finally happened.
It’s not that I was focused on how things would fall apart. But the truth is, I’m sure that both of us could see the cut off coming. The school year would finish, but we could have continued to do things over the summer. In fact, it might have been even easier, having the house to ourselves all day.
But eventually I would graduate. Despite everything that had happened I still had Harvard Med on my mind. But if not, there was going to be somewhere else, and it almost certainly wouldn’t be nearby. I would move out of the house. We’d move on with our lives. I couldn’t spend the rest of my existence having sex with my sibling.
Right?
So, I told myself I was prepared. Convinced my heart that Kevin felt the same. Only, it all went down much sooner than I anticipated.
The Saturday after our joyride, my parents had another weekend away. I’d spent the whole week excited beyond explanation. But when Mom and Dad finally shut the door behind them, and I grabbed my brother to bring him up to my room, Kevin dragged me back to the living room couch.
He sat me down, gently. There was a look in his eyes that I couldn’t place. My mouth went dry, and my stomach twisted.
“There’s something I need to tell you,” Kevin said, grasping my hands across the cushions. Our denim-covered knees touched.
“You’re breaking up with me,” I said. The words shot out of me so fast, I didn’t realize they’d been readied.
“What?!” Kevin shook his head. A little smile formed on his lips. “No. Jacey, you’re my sister. We literally can’t break up.”
I was pretty sure that we could, but I got my brother’s point. We were bonded in a way that went beyond the usual relationship. They say blood is thicker than water, but the truth is, it ties tighter than semen and girl-goo, too. Yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen.
“No, I wanted you to be the first to know,” Kevin said, “I got a job.”
“Really? That’s fantastic!”
“There’s a garage a couple towns over,” Kevin said, “They’re going to take me on. Just little stuff for now, cleaning the place and whatever. But they said they’ll show me the basics and they’re going to work my schedule so I can go to technical school.”
“That sounds amazing,” I said, “I’m so proud of you.”
Kevin flushed. He looked me dead in the eyes. “It’s because of you,” he said.
I shook my head. “No, that’s not true,” I said, “Your accomplishments are your own. You worked hard for this. You deserve it.”
“But that’s my point. Why did I work hard?”
I shrugged. Why did anyone try at things? Because we wanted to grow up, live our own lives, become self-sufficient. The usual stuff.
“I did it because of you, Jacey,” Kevin said, “I watched how much effort and care you put into the things that matter to you. I knew I couldn’t live up to your standard and it used to get to me. But you always told me I could do it, be more. It was like following a beacon. I found my way because you led me there.”
My brother looked at me with such earnest emotion. Such true respect and awe. I burst into tears. Kevin leapt forward, wrapping himself around me. I could hear the confusion in his voice as he tried to soothe me. Supportive but unsure.
“I’m not that person anymore,” I said. Sobbing. I buried my head in my brother’s arms.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not. I don’t. I’m stupid now. I really am.”
“Jacey, that’s ridiculous,” Kevin said.
“No, it’s true,” I said, “I can’t think. Can’t concentrate. I haven’t studied in weeks. Ever since… Ever since us.”
Kevin grabbed me by the shoulders, looking at me with the most intense expression I’d ever seen on his face. He’d looked less serious at Grandma’s funeral.
“Don’t be mad,” I said, “I love this. Love what we have. But ever since that first time together my mind’s been all jumbled. My grades have crashed. I’m such a mess.”
“And you think it’s my fault,” Kevin said.
I gave my brother an exasperated look. “Of course not!”
His expression finally softened.
“It’s the sex,” I said, “It’s just so good. I can’t stop thinking about it. About you. All I ever want now is to ride that big, beautiful brother cock till I blow up.”
“Ummm.”
“I think you broke my brain,” I said.
I stared down at the floor. I didn’t know what else to say. My brother admired me. Only that ‘me’ was someone who no longer existed. Before, when I thought I was only letting myself down, I guess I could live with it. But if I was betraying Kevin, too? It was more than I could take.
“Jane-Christine,” Kevin said my full name with a kindness that made my heart ache. He pulled me close. “I’m not the smart one in the family. Like, at all. But I have a thought.”
“Uh huh.”
“I don’t want to tell you how you’re feeling, but I want you to consider something, OK?”
I nodded for him to continue.
“You’ve met someone new. Well, not new new. You’ve expanded your relationship with someone you’ve always known. You get my point.”
